I’ll say it: I’m a control freak, and have been for as long as I can remember. I took pride in it- sure, I was a control freak and a perfectionist to boot, but if that’s what it took to do good work, accomplish my goals, and feel like I was in control, was it really such a bad thing to be? 

In recent years, some life- changing events which were completely beyond my control set me into a downward spiral. I was feeling a loss of control and trying even harder to control everything, which didn’t work in my favor. 

Rationally, I understand that not everything is within my control. Despite this, there’s always a part of my brain that tries to convince me that working harder and doing my best (which to me, means giving 100%, all the time), are the only things holding me back from any and all success. By controlling everything, I can accomplish everything, which is the only way I can ever feel relaxed and stable. 

Heather’s ‘On My Mind’ segment of this week’s newsletter had me wondering whether it was possible to surrender (which I had always assumed was synonymous with ‘giving up’) and feel not only good about doing so, but more at peace and in control. 

As I looked for an answer to my questions, I found two resources that profoundly changed how I thought about this idea. Amy Johnson’s article “Let Go of Control: How to Learn the Art of Surrender” was a fantastic place to start. Johnson, a self- proclaimed “recovering control freak” is a social psychologist, coach, and author, as well as the creator of an online school designed to help students with anxiety create new habits. I also came across the podcast Let’s Talk About Mental Health, created by author, coach, and writer Jeremy Goodwin. He tackled the same topic in episode 171, “Let’s Talk About… Surrender”.

According to Johnson, our desire for control comes from a place of fear. This is absolutely true to my experience. When faced with a task or opportunity, I start thinking about what I need to do to accomplish my goal, followed immediately by all the things that could go wrong and how I could fix it all. I spend enough time feeling stressed and letting my imagination create all sorts of terrible situations, and soon enough I start to feel more upset and have invested more time in completely imagined, negative scenarios than any possible positive outcome.

Instead of trying to micromanage the universe, Goodwin and Johnson urge us to refocus our energy towards the belief that we will be okay, no matter what comes our way. When faced with a situation we often get attached to one specific outcome, which we ‘know’ is the best for us. When we let go of this conviction, we open ourselves up all kinds of possibilities that we aren’t capable of seeing when we’re focused on the ‘perfect’ one. 

Key to the surrender mindset is accepting what we do and do not have control over. We have the most control over ourselves, and our sphere of influence decreases the more removed a person or situation is from us. Essentially, it’s inevitable that we are surrounded by things, big and small, that we have little to no control over in everyday life. Rather than getting upset or trying to resist this reality, both Goodwin and Johnson argue that accepting we’re not in control allows us to redirect our energy to what we can control and make future choices from a place of power. This is also how Goodwin and Johnson define surrender: acceptance, followed by change.

Goodwin provides a great example for this situation. Take climate change: it’s incredibly easy to believe that nothing we do as individuals will have any positive impact on our environment. We can continue to think this, do nothing to change the situation, and inevitably prove ourselves right, or… we can recycle, use public transit, work towards reducing personal water and energy use, and even influence others by joining environmental groups, work with local businesses and enterprises, or get involved with local government. Rather than being perpetually frustrated by the apparent lack of control we have over things we feel are beyond out control (like the government, the environment, or corporations) we can do something constructive by refocusing our energy towards what we can control.

There’s a common mindset that we have to scratch and claw our way through life to get what we want and need. This idea makes the world around us seem indifferent to our struggles, if not outright hostile. Rather than trying to fight against everything, Goodwin encourages us to pick our battles. We cannot fight them all, and we cannot win them all (even as I write this, my tiny control freak is yelling “Yes I can!”). If we choose to put our energy and intent into fighting things we have no control over and can’t change, all we do is wear ourselves out. At the end of the day, I would much rather put my precious time and energy towards things I can control and that I enjoy.

Johnson addresses the concept of an unfriendly world with a quote from Albert Einstein, who said, “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.” If we believe we live in a friendly universe, what do we have to be afraid of when we give up control? Instead of feeling like we have to fight against the world to get what we want, how much better would it feel to work with the world to get what’s truly best for us?

Changing our mindset takes time and continuous effort, but I’m willing to be patient and encourage myself to keep going. As we allow this change to occur, it will naturally become a habit. I’m looking forward to creating space for spontaneity and improving my ability to adapt to change.