A few weeks ago, we highlighted Jenny Slate’s book, “Little Weirds” on the “3 Things” segment of the newsletter. I had originally read the book, a collection of essays focused on joy, heartbreak, and everyday magic during quarantine, and decided to give it another read in the last few weeks. 

Slate’s first section begins, “One of my fantasy dimensions is: Strangers on the street see me and think I might be French. You are a stranger. You see me, and you think that there I am, a French Woman. And then you look at me and allow a deeper kind of feeling- sight to occur, and you see past the woman and you sense that I am actually a homemade Parisian Croissant.” 

During my re-read, this opening sentence clicked with a few segments of the last two newsletters. Two weeks ago, Heather talked about the power of embodying your personal brand and being able to choose how you present yourself to others. One week ago, she shared an anecdote about a coaching client and talked about building healthy brain patterns by monitoring our self- talk throughout the day. 

How do we wish to be seen by others? Is it the classic, effortlessly cool and interesting “French Woman” Slate describes? Maybe it’s someone strong, kind, or confident. What’s different between this ‘ideal’ self and our ‘real’ selves, and how do we combine the two into a unified whole? 

While our ideal selves can exist as a source of motivation, it’s been my experience that they often become a source of negative comparison to our real selves. The ideal self represents the person we want to be- our idea of a ‘perfect’ self, including our goals, skills, and physical traits. On the other hand, our real selves are the people we are currently, complete with all our flaws, strengths, and imperfections.

If our ideal self is based on unattainable or exaggerated standards, we automatically set ourselves up for failure. The comparison between the two becomes toxic when our ideal highlights everything our real self lacks, rather than what it has the potential to be. It overshadows the real self, regardless of how impossible a standard the ideal sets.

Instead of being a source of inspiration, our ideal selves create a sense of never being good enough. The pressure to live up to an impossible standard creates feelings of inadequacy, shame, and frustration. Every perceived shortcoming of our real selves feels like a huge failure when compared to the unreachable ideal. Over timideal creates a sense of never being good enough. The constant pressure to live up to an impossible standard creates feelings of inadequacy, shame, and frustration. When the gap between the two feels so vast, it can seem futile to do anything to reach the ideal, and instead we self- sabotage.

This dynamic further fuels negative self- talk, and our inner dialogues become inundated with criticism. As you can imagine, low self- esteem and constant comparison to an often unreachable ideal erodes self esteem and worsens symptoms of disorders like anxiety and depression. Over time, we may become chronically dissatisfied with any personal success because our ideal is always changing.

To create a healthier comparison dynamic, it’s important to reframe the relationship between our real and ideal selves. Instead of having an ideal categorized by impossible standards, it helps to develop goals that are grounded in reality while still allowing room for growth. The ideal should inspire action, not demoralize.

Learning to accept our current selves with kindness allows for healthy progress. Over time, our real selves become a source of motivation. It’s also important to view our ideal self as an evolution, rather than a fixed standard. This allows for growth and learning, rather than simple success or failure. 

When our ideal self exists only as a negative comparison, it creates a gap that’s impossible to traverse, leading to frustration, negative self- talk and diminished well-being. A healthier approach involves aligning the ideal with a compassionate, realistic view of growth and self- acceptance.

For example, when I think of my ideal self, I picture (amongst other traits) someone confident with a successful career in my dream field. In reality, I am successful. While I might not be in my dream career yet, I am making progress towards that goal. I have made things like frequent exercise and self- care days, which will boost my overall confidence, weekly habits.

Celebrating the achievements of the real self, instead of only on the disparities between where you are and where you want to be, allows you to recognize your growth and remain motivated.