I was looking for a birthday gift for a friend of mine who loves poetry when I saw the cover of Lyndsay Rush’s book, A Bit Much. The image of a sardine tin filled with multicolor confetti was fun and outrageous, and as I flipped through a few poems I quickly realized I needed to grab a second copy for myself. 

Rush’s poems concern the modern female experience, speaking about everything from the decision to have children or not to wanting someone to eat chips with. The poem, “She’s A Bit Much”, which inspired the title of the book, stayed with me the most:

She’s A Bit Much

“You mean like a bonus french fry in the bottom of the bag? Like a champagne shower? Like triple texting good news? Like buying coffee for the person behind you in line? Or did you mean ‘a bit much’ like an unexpected upgrade to business class / or theme parties / or the band pretending to go off stage and then coming back for an unforgettable encore? Perhaps you were referring to that thing of being astonished by a sunset / or how puppies flop around when they learn to run / or the way some people take karaoke really seriously? Maybe you just meant sprinkles / confetti / balloon drops / witty comebacks / generous tips / fireworks / water slides / serotonin / cherries on top / and the fact that maybe we were put on this planet simply to enjoy ourselves? Then yes, I agree- she is a bit much. Aren’t we so lucky she’s here?”

-Lyndsay Rush

How would it feel if someone called you “a bit much”? Probably not great. It’s a uniquely devastating critique on the deepest, most personal level: who we are, how we act, how we live, what we love. It makes us feel as though a) there is something wrong with who we are, and b) we should change immediately to better appeal to others. 

But why should being “a bit much” be a bad thing? As Rush points out, so many of the best things in life are great precisely because they are a bit extra, over the top, and unexpected. How great would it be if we could extend ourselves and others the same love and excitement these things inspire in us? 

Caitlin Harrison is an associate marriage and family therapist at Kindman and Co., a LA- based psychotherapy group. Her blog piece, “On The Myth of “Too Much”” offered some new insight for me. Harrison says the fear of being ‘too much’ can be deeply rooted in one’s childhood. Whether we’re told we have “too many emotions, too many opinions, too many wants or needs”, these ideas are easily internalized and go on to actively shape our behavior and beliefs about ourselves. Unhealthy relationships can also feed into these beliefs.

Harrison challenges us to reframe this narrative. In many cases, being “too much” usually means that someone’s “circumstances, contexts, and people are not enough.” It’s possible that one’s parents lacked the resources or understanding to provide the specific care their child needed, or perhaps they didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to give to their children. Friends and romantic partners might have felt insecure about not measuring up and approached a relationship with insecurity rather than openness and acceptance.

The things people tell us about ourselves, regardless of their intentions, have a way of staying with us. We can become so used to listening to what others say about about who we are, what we should be, how we should act, and what we’re good or bad at that we end up believing them over ourselves. We forget the power of our own positive self- talk. We have the ability to re-center ourselves within our personal narrative. Being “a bit much” is about living freely, unapologetically, without any fear of judgment or prioritizing what others might think above what we know about ourselves. It’s about embracing all our messy and imperfect parts. When we can reclaim our personal narratives, we recognize that we have the right to define our worth and share all our unique qualities, quirks, and aspirations unapologetically.